On ‘abuse’...

One of the most important books that I’ve read since beginning with regression therapy was Jean Jenson’s ‘Reclaiming Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide to Using Regression Therapy to Overcome the Effectsof Childhood Abuse’.

Jean eloquently enumerates the various types of abuse that people may experience during early life. These include:

•  Psychological abuse
• Emotional abuse (including neglect)
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Verbal abuse

As I read through the definitions and did the self-assessment exercises, I began too see how much I’d been abused as a child: neglect in the form of a mother who tended to internalise her feelings; psychological abuse in terms of being subtly pushed down a particular career route; physical abuse in terms of occasional ‘spankings’ (being hit).

Others might assess my childhood and say ‘well if you were abused, then so were most people I know’ and they would be right.

In Thomas Stone’s rip-roaring ‘Cure by Crying’, he estimates that 70% of people are neurotic, 20% of people are nearly healthy (i.e. some neuroticism) and 10% are healthy. If we accept that all neuroticism is the result of early trauma, then according to Thomas Stone’s estimation, 90% of us experience at least one abusive parent.

To me, that feels about right. I would guess around 90% of children are abused by a parent to at least some extent. Whatever the correct figure, it is certain that far more parents abuse their children than is generally accepted. Society, and especially the press, likes to create monsters. We like to remain in denial about our own abusive natures, by mythologizing the ‘abuser’ as something other. By defining abuse in very narrow terms that can only apply to an easily demonized few, we get ourselves off the hook.

As a society, we need to accept that abuse is more prevalent than we allow ourselves to believe. I don’t have children, but if I were to produce offspring, I can say without absolute certainty that I would abuse them. I can easily envisage having a bad day at work and snapping at my child, maybe even hitting them in a moment of weakness. Maybe at some point I’ll become depressed and withdrawn and neglect them emotionally. All abusive, all damaging. However, I also flatter myself that I would, at some point afterwards, be able to recognise that I had abused them and help them heal. I would ask them how they felt about my behaviour, let them get angry with me, let them cry and heal.

As a society, let’s grow up and accept that we all abuse each other at least to a minor extent. Let’s also accept that that abuse, especially when visited on infants and children, however ‘mild’ it may be, is permanently damaging, and let’s help each other to heal from that damage.

Can you *really* remember that?

I recently read a book recommended by a friend: Mindsight, Daniel Seigel

This is interesting in that it is a book by a more mainstream psychologist that at least acknowledges the significance of lower parts of the brain. However, Daniel still advocates the primacy of what he describes as 'cortical override'; or using the cortex to 'manage' your reaction to sensations and feelings emanating from the lower brain.

So whilst I certainly wouldn't recommend his approach for anyone looking for a curative treatment for their mental health issues, I do like his introduction of the concepts of 'intrinsic' and 'explicit' memory. 

Daniel explains that intrinsic memories are held in the lower parts of the brain. He explains that it may not be possible to express memories laid down in this section of the brain through words or images as these parts of the brain are not capable of such sophisticated expression.

Extrinsic memories on the other had are held in the neocortex. These do have imagery and words associated with them. Thus, extrinsic memories can be expressed through language and other artistic means. 

I believe that it is this type of 'extrinsic' memory that most people think of when they hear the word 'memory'.

In the course of my journey through regression therapy, I'm often challenged with 'how can you remember your birth?' 

If we think in terms of these two types of memory, the answer is simple: I have no explicit memories of my birth whatsoever, however, I have deep, valid intrinsic memories of my birth.

Intrinsic memories aren't always easy to access, but they are in me and they are real. 

For a more thorough explanation of brain function try this ;)

On Letting Go...

'Just let it go!'

How often have I heard that during the course of my feeling therapy journey?

'Leave the past in the past and move on'.

This is nonsense. I can't possibly 'let go' of a memory imprinted deep in my brain. 'Letting go' may give me some temporary relief. I can disconnect in the moment, but I can't kid myself that's it not going to be back. Maybe next week, maybe tomorrow, maybe in five minutes' time.

I can no more 'let go' of deeply imprinted memories and associated feelings and sensations, than I can let go of my leg. These memories, feelings and sensations are part of me and will remain so for as long I avoid processing them.

'Letting go, moving on'; it's denial.

I prefer the entreaty I actually first learnt in the twelve-step community: 'you've got to feel it to heal it'.